Greener Pastures

Am I the only one who thought everyone's life was better than their own when they were growing up?  No? Okay, good.  In comparison to my parents, other parents were nicer; every family had siblings who loved each other and never fought; other kids didn't have as many chores as I did, my parents made me work for everything I wanted, not to mention I had to drive an orange car.  WHAAAAAAA!!! :'-(   I will rub it in my mothers face of how horrid a childhood I had because of the endless mowing I had to do, the curfews I had to meet, money I had to earn starting at the age of 15 to pay for my own expenses, etc.   Of course now I see how how that rough childhood has benefited my life, therefore the 'horrible childhood' has become a joking jab to my mother now and again. Where I had myself fooled was I believed those childhood thoughts would go away.  Those greener pasture thoughts had left my mind until I was introduced to the blogging world.  I have since got my act back together but years ago I noticed I was struggling a bit, no longer in comparing my childhood, not in my role as a wife, but I struggled as I started to compare my motherhood skills to others'.     When the kids were small(er), I , like many other moms, would spend time online living other people's lives through reading their blogs/Facebook posts/Pinterest.  I saw their perfect lives staring back at me filling my mind  as the images stabbed me in the heart of how imperfect my life was in comparison.  Here before my eyes were these wonderful women throwing these amazing themed birthday parties with every detail accounted for and executed with precision while I performed very basic birthday celebrations with homemade failed cakes and presents wrapped in cereal boxes with Christmas paper.  Here before my eyes were wonderful women doing arts and crafts with their kids on a daily basis while my arts and crafts with my kids were non-existent unless you count the occasional prank of someone's house which meant acquiring toilet paper and other art supplies.  Here before my eyes were wonderful women cooking full seven course breakfasts in the morning while I taught my kids where the cereal box, bowls, and spoons were with orders not to wake me up before 7.  Here before my eyes were amazing families where every picture was like a Ensign article while if someone caught images in my home would be posting pictures of me harping on Jason for forgetting to take out the trash, or kids crying due to me scolding them for bickering, or the dog puking on the carpet. It seems somewhat funny now but when I remember those feelings I had when I think back at those moments, I truly felt I was failing as a mother. It's one thing to feel pity on yourself  in comparing your own situation to greener pastures, but at that time I saw myself raising my kids in the pasture with overgrown weeds compared to the perfectly fertilized and well maintained grass of others. I was scared of letting my kids down and leading them to a lifetime of resentment of me. Therefore, I felt it my duty to buck up and do what we American's do best.  I had to keep up with the online Jones's! So among other things, I bought the fancy cakes for birthdays, did some investigating and made purchases at the local craft stores for projects to do with the kids, and dragged my lazy butt out of bed at the crack of dawn to prepare a wonderful breakfast and did it with the best smile that exists that early in the morning. This was it, I was leading my children to those green pastures where we would be the perfect family and I would be remembered as the greatest mother of all time! Yep, it was short lived.  Why?  Well, come to find out my kids really like my ugly hand decorated cakes.  Next, I am very creative mentally but for whatever reason that creativity doesn't translate through my hands.  Therefore craft project time wasn't a time of fun and happiness, rather frustration and boredom.  My kids wanted their authentic mom not crabby wanna-be craft mom.  Lastly, after several weeks of tremendous breakfasts, I'll never forget the kids coming to me one morning as if they had planned in advance how they would approach me, "Mom, can we please just have cereal?"  My kids are cereal addicts and cereal continues to be their chosen morning preference with a occasional big breakfast thrown in the mix.   While going through this experimental phase, I learned a lot about myself.  I became acutely aware of my talents and weaknesses.  I became aware that my kids loved me for my talents, strengths, and my weaknesses.  In short, they love me because I am their mom. During this time, I did much contemplating about my own childhood and wondered in my adult life if I ever resented my family for not being in the greener pastures I envied so much as a child.  I didn't have the dream childhood by any means.  My parents both had to work full time, I came from a divorced family, I lost my dad early, and dealt with the normal day to day living that isn't always pleasant.  I never sat and did crafts with my mother, we ate cereal for breakfast (and sometimes dinner), I never had a big birthday party.  But within all the good times mixed with the muck, I realized how much I loved my childhood.  I gained talents I have now due to how I grew up with the circumstances given.  I realized God knew exactly what He was doing as I was born in my parent's home. It could be so easy to hold resentment on things we feel we deserved or missed out on. Yet, I have a firm testimony that God knew my parents and He knew how they would raise me.  He knew what tools and talents I would need to be where I am in my life and I thank my parents for those skills and life experiences I learned from them even if they didn't intend for them to be learning experiences.    Likewise, God knew exactly what He was doing when he placed my kids in my home.  He knows exactly how Jason and I would be raising them and the talents we have and skills we would teach them as well as the weaknesses we struggle with.  God doesn't expect me to be an expert cake decorator, or a crafty/artsy mom, or perfectly patient (though I'm striving) .  He just needs me to be me, and as long as I'm doing my best, I will be the mother my children need me to be so they can become who they are destined to be. So I offer this advice: First, if you feel inadequate, evaluate if you are unjustly comparing yourself to others.  I had to back away from the blogs  for awhile until I got my bearings.  Remember, we only see what others choose for us to see just as a lawn on the outside of a home is no indication of what's going on inside the home. Don't compare yourself to what appears to be greener pastures.  It's good to have examples to look to, but seeds grow best where they are planted and you create your greenest pasture through time, climate, work, forgiveness, compassion, and love.

Once a Viking, Always a Viking

Two years ago I posed the question, "Has Facebook Ruined Reunions?"   I had convinced myself that with current technology, the curiosity factor which draws individuals to reunions had tamed.  I had convinced myself that those with whom I wanted to be associating with, I currently was in contact with. 

This year was my 20 year reunion and my friend Ryan and I seriously contemplated going due to the reasons above among others. The cost was roughly $350 for flight alone, then came the question if conversations would feel forced or how we'd cope with the awkward silences once all questions were answered.  Not to mention, yes, I still have the playful and immature 16 year old in me, but altogether I feel life experiences have changed me into a whole new person...would these individuals, some of whom I spent 13 years with, even recognize me anymore?  

Perhaps not recognizing me would be a blessing.  We can be so self centered in those teenage years.  I recently was told by a classmate of issues and trials she dealt with during school.  I had no idea. I was angry with myself because I could have been a better friend. I didn't know about her life because when I look back, I don't know if I really put in the effort to invest in anyone other than myself and my own issues.  That person, that old Jen, is so far removed from who I am today but isn't something I can publicize at a two day reunion event without sounding like an oaf or someone trying to over-sell oneself.  

My husband finally posed the question, 'Will you regret it if you don't go?'  The answer was yes.  I recognized that I have changed enough to let the excuses and insecurities go.  What matters most to me in this life other than my family are people and relationships.  These classmates helped mold and shape me, and were quite often my family in my youth without them ever realizing it.  How could I let this opportunity slip by? 

I was extremely grateful I went.  I was surprised at how many felt similar feelings primarily being nervous about attending.  I didn't feel quite so alone in my apprehension and upon others realizing this, everyone was able to breathe a little easier knowing we were all somewhat in the same boat.

We talked at times until 5 a.m.  Old yearbooks and pictures came out.  We each talked about memories we had individually which sparked memories, stories and laughter that I had forgotten.  It was like being home again.

We have all been in different directions and have had different lives, but I'm proud of my fellow classmates, proud to associate with them, and proud they are brave and courageous to step into a situation that may not be comfortable.  This strength is what I remember and somehow being in a room again with them strengthened me.

So I proved myself wrong, again.  For those who say, 'I only stay in contact with only those who I want to, I don't need a reunion' here is my response:   I have close friends I still associate with, but just because I don't associate with every individual in my high school graduation class doesn't mean they aren't a friend. Some will never know of what a kind gesture they did for me on a particular day made that day bearable, but when I see their face 20 years later, I am reminded of that gesture and their goodness and how I need to follow their example. For those who say Facebook ruined reunions, my response today is:  only if we let it.  Sure we can see pictures of one another, find out what profession we each are involved in, and leave a snarky comment once in awhile but nothing can replace a real conversation while looking someone in the eye, or give a hug that says you'll always be family.

Stay classy class of '93.

PS) Hi Scott.