I’ve had a problem since my youth. I peeked at my Christmas presents because I wanted to prepare myself to be excited or disappointed. I skipped ahead in books so I could rest easy knowing whether someone lived or died. I let many relationships go because I didn’t want to end up hurt. Flying makes me uneasy because I don’t know what state the pilot or mechanics are in. I wish I could say it ends there but no, I’m Jen, and I am a classic control freak. I’m realizing through time and experience the negative effects from it and have found an emotion that has fueled this characteristic, and that is fear.
I recently started a new job, which I was excited and eager about. But once I met my counterpart (who was much more qualified), my weakness of wanting to be in control of a situation quickly stepped in to ‘save’ me. It would be easier for my ego to make the decision to quit rather than be defeated. At least I could say I controlled the outcome on my terms, rather than letting the outcome control me. No harm done…which is a lie.
Lately, I’m aware of the same characteristic in my son and I’m getting a glimpse from the outside-in of the paralyzing effects it has and the potential joyful opportunities he’s missing due to it. His piano teacher would share concern that when a new piano piece was placed in front of him, he would refuse to play it out of fear of not getting it right. I watch him at baseball games letting ball after ball go past him without a swing, later to find out he was afraid of swinging and missing, allowing the pitcher to determine his fate. He’s competitive but will pretend not to care about winning and jokes at events in the off chance he loses, and therefore refuses to put his whole heart into it.
We are like two hurdlers in a race who, rather than focus on the finish line, we focus on the hurdle and let the fear of missing the jump block us from successfully completing the race.
A life changing moment happened for me while attending a business seminar where the presenter posed the question, “What is the opposite of success?” Most, including me, answered with a resounding, “Failure.” We were quickly corrected. The answer has changed my way of thinking. In our society, we automatically link success and failure as black and white, when in reality, the opposite of success is quitting. As our goals are measured by success and we fall short, is all the work done in the process suddenly insignificant and non-beneficial to learning? Of course not. Failures are our teachers if we allow them to be. We may fail in our attempts, but success is often achieved through failures.
My name is Jen. I’m 38 years old and I’m on a quest to becoming my best. I am tired of not finishing the race because I didn’t design the track. My first step is taking my need for control and controlling how I think; knowing that what I believe is what I will become. I know I may stumble on the way, but I need to trust that the hurdles are there to strengthen me, to give more endurance, to make the finish that much more sweet. I remind myself each day that as long as I don’t give up, the equation works and I will eventually cross the finish line and achieve my goals.
We often hear that failure is not an option, but I’m finding it’s a necessity to many successes and joys in life. Quitting is not an option.
