A Daughter Who Raised A Mother

You know how they say you will always remember where you were and what you were doing when you hear traumatic news?  For example, for some it's the Kennedy assassination, or 9/11.  I can replay it clear as day as I remember specifically the day I brought you home from the hospital and the moment it clicked that I would be responsible for you the next 18 years of your life.  It was not a blissful thought; it was a traumatic, paranoid claustrophobic 'where can I jump out of the next window' thought.  Up to that point, I'd never been responsible for anything for more than a week, let alone a month, year, or, oh my gosh, 18 years! I was only 21 at the time, barely over 18 myself.  What had I done??!!  I remember immediately picking up the phone and calling my mother and her reassuring me:  You take it one day at a time.    Well, that magical age happened today and miraculously, you and I both survived.  In reflecting back over these past 18 years, I've been asking myself this question repeatedly:  Did I do my job, did I do enough?  We can do a million things right, but yet, the things that stand out most are the small percentage of things we do wrong or know we could have done better.  Those small percentages haunt me.  So many times I wish I could go back with the knowledge I have now. I would be so different.  Yet, I have realized I wouldn't be different without having those experiences which have shaped who I am today.   Yes, true to fashion, I'm making YOUR birthday about ME. I've seen you grow physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  I've seen you acquire skills that will carry you through this life and the life hereafter bringing much joy wherever you go. Anyone can look at you and be fooled:  "She's a great individual which equals she must have great parents."  In reality, you came to us with the same loving, sweet, obedient spirit and light you possess today.  We basically just needed to feed you, give you shelter, and tell you 'no' and 'stop being lazy' a handful of times.   Honestly, parenting was more for me than it was for you.  Through parenting, we both became adults. You've heard me compare teaching seminary to Groundhog's Day (the movie).  I put at least 2 hours of preparation in each day, teach a 50 min class, and feel relief and joy when I'm finished with instruction and almost immediately slump my shoulders because I know I have to turn around, go home and start the process all over again for the next day. It's never ending, non-paying and exhausting.  Yet, don't dare release me because all the  knowledge and spiritual experiences I'm acquiring on a daily basis, as well loving those I teach, far outweighs the 4:30 alarm and load that is placed upon my shoulders.  Seminary isn't like Groundhogs' Day, it's like parenting. Raising you wasn't easy and at times, extremely exhausting.  You had endless doctor appointments, diaper changes, bottle feedings, sleepless nights, unfinished homework assignments,  school commitments, extracurricular activities, friend drama, boy drama, and heartbreaks (which made my heart hurt just as bad).  Yet through it all, I never wanted this day to come- when by the worlds standards, I have been officially released as your legal guardian.  It's mind boggling really, the difference of one day, just like a snap of the fingers, you technically don't need me anymore.   Thankfully,I know I will always be loved and listened to as your mother, and we both know the parenting will never truly end.   This knowledge keeps my heart from shattering into a million different pieces.  My dearest daughter, when you love those you serve and serve the ones you love, your heart is changed and magnified. What I want you to know on this special 18th birthday is in spite of trying to raise you, it was really you who raised me.  It has been the greatest privilege to serve and love you for so many years.  Without your presence in my life, I would still yet be a child: immature, selfish, impulsive, and distracted.   18 years was a long time to refine me, but you did it, and did so like my mother said...one day at a time.   I love you and thank you for all you do to help me become the woman and mother I need to be. Happy Birthday.