Epiphanies and Miracles

One of my dear friends, Tonya, read my previous post about Brynna and had asked  if I'd be willing to help her with a section of her church Christmas program she was in charge of.  She was reciting 'The Living Christ' and was going to discuss in greater depth the paragraphs within it.  She had asked if I would be willing to type up and share my experience with Brynna and how miracles are still present today just as they were back in the time of Jesus Christ.  I accepted and went to work finding old journals I had written during Brynna's first few months of life.  
I have to admit, I wasn't real excited about the task mostly because when I begin to read or think back to those experiences I am left emotionally drained.  Re-living those experiences are both painful and joyful.  This time was no different, yet I still had an epiphany in the process that left me extremely grateful for being asked and accepting the responsibility to fulfill this for Tonya.
As I read the journal from 15 years ago, I read the thoughts of a scared, naive, hopeful, and very young woman trying to make sense of a significant trial in her life.  There were several times I even questioned if it had been me who had written it.  Who was this person?  I hardly recognized her and almost felt as if I was invading someone else's privacy of their deepest most inner thoughts.  As I read on and memories began to flood my mind, for once I became extremely grateful I was aging.  With time gone by, I have gained wisdom and a perspective that led me to write in an entirely new point of view 15 years later.  If you've ever written in a journal years ago about a specific experience where emotions were high, I'm telling you to get it out and re-write about it.  It is an amazing and almost sacred and self-discovering experience.
Here is my extremely condensed version of my 15 year later journal entry in how miracles are present today through Jesus Christ:
  Brynna came to us at 25 weeks only weighing 1 pound 12 ounces.  From day one, her life was a battle.  It seemed unfair to me that a small helpless baby had to endure such a consistent uphill journey all on her own.  Meanwhile, as her mother, I felt it was unfair that I was completely helpless to aide in her fight while I could only send positive thoughts through a plastic incubator and hope somehow she could feel my love and support.

Even though during this trial we lived in great times of medical advancement, on numerous occasions I remembered wishing we didn’t. Of all generations of time, I desperately wanted to live in the Savior’s time.  I wanted to be the mother searching for Jesus Christ on the dusty roads and upon finding him, begging through tears for Him to come heal my child.  Somehow knowing if I’d find Him, He would have mercy on me and come to her, and all would be well.

As I tried to patiently endure this trial, slowly over time my eyes became opened.  I realized how the scriptures of old became my scriptures of today.  As a desperate mother, I searched.  Not on dusty roads of a foreign land, but I searched while my knees were knelt in dust on my living room floor.  Through prayer, I did find Him.  It was exactly how I envisioned it in my mind as if I had found Him amongst His apostles. I literally felt Him acknowledge me, felt His love and compassion for me and give me the confirmation that all would be well.

When I went back to the hospital that night, the Savior didn’t accompany me. But as I witnessed Priesthood holders in their suits and ties with hands placed upon Brynna’s head as she received a blessing, I knew the healing powers of the Savior were in that room and He indeed was there. Miracles were performed, and today I have a strong-willed healthy 15 year old as walking proof.

I’m grateful no matter how small we are, how helpless we may feel, or how hard our fight may be; we are never alone. We don’t have to see Jesus Christ to know He is there. We know He walked the roads of Palestine, healing the sick, causing the blind to see, as He taught truths of eternity.  These healings and truths and miracles are eternal, which means they continue.  Miracles happen in our day, and will happen in days to come because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  As we go in search of Him, we don’t have to search far, only through our hearts and on our knees.

This Elf Does Not Belong on a Shelf

I'm only a little bitter this came out after my kids were in their younger years.  Elf on the Shelf, a quick tutorial:  Families buy and read the book and suddenly the elf who's been hibernating is fully functional waiting to do his job.  Next, the family will name and adopt their elf.  This elf is Santa's slave by keeping an eye on whether the children have been naughty or nice.  He flies to the North Pole each night to give his report.  We just did the old fashioned way when our kids were little...telepathy.  When the elf returns, he hides in a different area because he's sneaky like that.   Cute right??   Super cute.  But fortunately a greater power realized I would have had a problem with this tradition due to my inappropriate and untimely sense of humor and my kids would've been scarred even more than they presently are. Following are images of where our dysfunctional elf, Eddy, would've been found in the mornings after his return from the Pole.  

Years of Thanks

Brynna and I have been arguing lately regarding her wanting to get contacts.  As a refresher, Brynna is completely blind in one eye and has 20/50 vision in the other.  Glasses have always been a necessity in my eyes due to added protection, almost safety glasses if you will, to prevent something entering and damaging her only working eye.   She is turning vain like her mother in caring about looks and hears from her peers how pretty she is without her glasses.  Those planted seeds have left her determined in her goal for contacts.
Her dad gave her a glimmer of hope that contacts could be an option and I abruptly slammed the door.  I slammed it so hard it left her crying in my bed this morning.  After she had the pity party and my impatience subsided in also making an attempt to make her feel better..'when you're 18, you can do what you want, but right now, you don't have the choice'  I finally took my emotions out of it and tried to explain where I was coming from.  
I told her I've witnessed three miracles where she is concerned:
1.  She survived birth and her first few months amid multiple complications and against the odds.
2.  She functions at appropriate age level.  Again, doctors were sure she wouldn't.
3.  She has vision.  Enough that I often forget she has vision problems.
She doesn't remember her early years when every week I spent over four hours per trip on a Los Angeles freeway during rush hour taking her to doctor appointments at UCLA to salvage any type of vision.  She had multiple surgeries in which I signed waivers each time stating I understood there was a possibility she wouldn't survive.  I tried to comfort her when she was starving from fasting for surgeries in which we waited hours upon hours. I watched her shut down every time I put a patch on her eye and she looked at me as her mother for help, and I wouldn't.  I listened to her sob in her car seat on those horrendous drives across the valley and wanting to bawl my eyes out too from mental and physical exhaustion, but taking every ounce of energy to be strong and telling her to be strong because I knew one day it would be worth all the hell we were going through.   Those days seem so long ago, yet in thinking back, the feelings are still fresh. 
I told her those were all risks I was willing to take because I wanted her to see the sky, a sunrise, my face, her own smile, her spouse, her children, and not live in a world of darkness.  Those same factors are what I'm still trying to protect and reasons why I'm not willing to take the risk allowing her to wear contacts strictly for aesthetic purposes.  It won't enhance or bring any more happiness to her life, joy is found within and by golly, I worked too hard and we both sacrificed too much to get her where she is today! 
A point I felt strongly to share with her was the aspect of always 'wanting more.'   In wanting more, we often forget how much we have.  This equates directly in being ungrateful to God for all He's blessed us with.  We're telling Him He hasn't done enough.    By this point, I've realized what a hypocrite I am because I am the queen of wanting more.  What a perfect Thanksgiving gift, to be taught in trying to teach my daughter about being grateful.  
Ironically enough, today we were planning to go to the DMV to see if she can even pass an eye exam to qualify for a permit. Again, the odds are against her.   As I knelt in prayer, after our conversation and with a heavy and humbled heart, I prayed for another miracle on my daughter's behalf.  I told the Lord I am so grateful for what He has done thus far and I know He knows her and has a plan for her, but this is something important for her and we would do all we could to support her and prepare her.  I told Him I will sacrifice and go through those times of hell of teaching her to drive, worrying when she isn't home on time, stressed for cash by adding a teenager to our insurance plan.  All this so one day she can drive with her friends, drive home during breaks at college, drive for her independence, and lovingly drive her child to doctor appointments on a busy freeway across the valley to provide that child the best life possible.
We just arrived home completely awestruck and grateful for miracle number four.
I'm appreciative to be reminded of many years of blessings and the reminder that Thanksgiving needs to be in my heart  and reflected upon daily.
And congratulations to Brynna for getting the opportunity to graduate from Autopia.

Smith Spooktacular 2012

The always fun and entertaining Kelley Smith hosted another Spooktacular party.  Can I just say how much I love Halloween?  Always have.  I love that pretty much anytime of the day I can turn on AMC and a horror flick will be on.  I love to get dressed up, humiliate Jason, and be creative.  Although this year I was so stuck about what to do for a costume.  I wanted something big, something unique. The light bulb never quite went off and other than political news, no other hot pop culture was there to ride on, but after going back and forth between a couple of ideas I decided to try and do a Ventriloquist and dummy with me as the dummy.  Thanks to my mom for helping me out on a 2 day notice before the party.

   I really didn't want a mask, but couldn't get my makeup the way I wanted.  This mask had eyes, but I cut them out so I could do the 'shifty' eyes.  I wish I could have known no one could hear me under the mask because my mockery of being in character fell on deaf ears.  
Usually, we get into the dancing and do games, but this year due to my bum knee (which will be a bum til surgery) I was down most the night and surviving on pain medication.  :(
So alas, following are pictures others took that evening:

 (Serial Killer)

 "May the odds ever be in your favor."

 (Paradox)

Winner of Scary Costume (Jane Austin Books)

 My favorite:  Lucy and Desi black and white.

 (Pair of nunchucks)

 (An Item)

Much thanks to Kelley and all her hard work!!