This Elf Does Not Belong on a Shelf

I'm only a little bitter this came out after my kids were in their younger years.  Elf on the Shelf, a quick tutorial:  Families buy and read the book and suddenly the elf who's been hibernating is fully functional waiting to do his job.  Next, the family will name and adopt their elf.  This elf is Santa's slave by keeping an eye on whether the children have been naughty or nice.  He flies to the North Pole each night to give his report.  We just did the old fashioned way when our kids were little...telepathy.  When the elf returns, he hides in a different area because he's sneaky like that.   Cute right??   Super cute.  But fortunately a greater power realized I would have had a problem with this tradition due to my inappropriate and untimely sense of humor and my kids would've been scarred even more than they presently are. Following are images of where our dysfunctional elf, Eddy, would've been found in the mornings after his return from the Pole.