Windy Days Bringing Change, My Calm Day Will Come

It's the day after Christmas.  Usually at this time I'm already packing away the decor but for some reason this year I'm not ready for it to be over.  I'm not sure why this year seemed different and more sentimental to me.  Whatever activity we were doing I was trying to take it all in and tell myself to remember this moment...moments of happiness, peace, hope, and to know that this life is full of joy. I need to hold on to those feelings because somewhere in the pit of my gut I feel like I'm going to need it because there are changes on the horizon and that feeling is a bit unsettling to me.  Don't get me wrong, change is good, but it's the 'type' of change that makes me nervous.  If it's change due to my decisions, I have a better ability to deal with and adjust to it.  If it's change due to trials, I especially dislike going through it no matter how necessary it might be. The other type of change is knowing change needs to happen but not knowing exactly what change it is.
I've been wrestling with myself over the past year regarding decisions for my life.  I feel as if I am 18, just graduating from high school and someone asking me, 'Well, now what are you going to do with your life?'  And while I explain all these grand ideas of what I could do, inside I haven't got a clue. That terrifies me.  I feel like a plastic bag tossing to and fro in the wind. I'm an extremely focused person.  My husband often describes me as one who has the ability to shut things out if I am focused on a task or path.  That is both a blessing and a curse.  Either way, it is comfortable for me because at least I feel I have a direction in which to go.
Let me explain my predicament.  I mentioned in our Christmas letter I will be starting school.  I posted months ago on deciding what career would best fit me.  I feel good about my decision, but not great.  I feel school is the next step, yet I don't have a desire for it.  My focus works extremely well when I am passionate, so lacking the desire makes me question how focused I'll remain.  I'm coming to a conclusion that in my quest for my future I'm thinking pridefully and humbly at the same time.  First, my pride steps in when I think of having to start over in school.  I went to college 15 years ago, doubting much will transfer.  Starting from ground zero is frustrating not to mention all the experiences I've gained thus far in time should account for something, right?  Not in the corporate world.  They want to see a certificate for me to be considered competent.  I understand you need to gain tools and education relating to the field one chooses to work, but in my opinion common sense, dealing with and reading people, and good judgment play about 85 percent into it and I think that's the edge I have compared to so many who lack those skills.   I am confident enough that I could do about any job and be great at it, except chemistry or calculus related.  Prideful?  Maybe. I've always been able to pick things up quickly and work at one hundred percent effort.  I am confident enough in myself that I can do anything I set my mind to which has also been a struggle since there are so many things I want to do in this life. To think of sticking with just one leaves me a bit disheartened. On the other hand while I have a desire to be the best I also have learned to enjoy myself in the process. I can have fun and be happy anywhere.  I think back at all the jobs I've had and have appreciated each one for things I gained and I've always managed to have a blast doing them.  Was de-tasseling corn glamorous?  Was stocking shelves, serving up ice cream cones, helping to manage a retail store, and scaling teeth fulfilling?  Nope.  Those jobs didn't define me or my happiness, my zest for life did.  I decided a long time ago that no matter what I did-I would do all I could to make it enjoyable for me and others. I can entertain myself quite well. So, the humility side says it wouldn't be beneath me to work fast food if that's where I'm meant to be.
My dilemma now becomes do I just work to work and make it the best?  It would allow less pressure on me and my family.  I would be able to have more flexibility with my schedule, I could try many things, not have school loans, and could continue to spend time volunteering in other capacities.  OR, is there a bigger purpose for me that requires my full efforts in schooling to reach my highest potential?  Is there a career that would help me use my talents for good beyond what I can do now?
I've been teetering between the two for a long time.  I'll feel really good about one and then a couple of days later I feel really good about the opposite.  There are pieces of this puzzle which are missing and I can't find them.  I feel lost and without a purpose. Don't mistake that statement, my family IS my first priority of which will always be my primary purpose.  My statement means at this point in time I have the undeniable feeling there is more for me to accomplish.  I feel it racing in my blood, in my bones and soul. I just wish desperately to have the answer come that will make everything click, feel in sync, and have me working like a machine...doing what it's built for.Each choice has pros and cons.  Each would yield a different style and way of life and I wish to know which one fits me and my family best.  I want God to say, 'do this' and I'll do it.  But he won't and shouldn't.  It's the blessing of having agency even when it doesn't feel like a blessing.  I just hope and pray to be guided to the answer.
I edited a book recently that touched on writing your own personal mission statement.  I've thought about this and can't shake the feeling that it could help me in my decision.   I've decided it will be my next step. As morbid as this sounds, I've often thought of writing my own obituary/eulogy and filling in details of what I want people to remember of my life, but a mission statement sounds less creepy.   If any of you have found yourself or someone you know in this experience, I'd love to get any advice to what helped guide your decision.
In the meantime, I'm just kickin' it getting older by the second.  Going to try to enjoy the ride in the wind until I finally land.   

2011 Christmas

Our Christmas picture and letter for 2011:

It’s hard to believe another year is almost over.  Is it me, or is time going by more quickly?  I look at my kids and think they can’t be that old because I’m certainly not aging.  Either way, time is slipping through my fingertips.  As usual, we are busy living life and appreciating each day.  We bought a new home and are finally settling in.  Please adjust your address books accordingly.  I decided moving is like childbirth.  You forget how miserable it can be, so you decide to do it again meanwhile saying when it’s over, ‘we will never do that again.’  Yet, the cycle continues. We love Arizona and now with having a pool can say we love it all year round.  Our goal is to be in this home forever, yet will go where the Lord desires us to be.  We have been abundantly blessed.  Here are some happenings for us this past year:

Jason--- Continues to be a hard worker and was promoted to Assistant Manager at the Federal Reserve Bank.  We are proud of him for winning a Legacy award for being the top pick in the district for his contributions in innovation.  He built partnerships in the community by sharing his idea of having shredded currency used as fireproof home insulation.  This idea is now being carried forward in San Francisco.  He loves to serve at church and in the community.  He keeps busy by keeping up with the ‘honey-do’ list for the home.  He enjoys exercise, reading, and being the best husband and dad.  He treats me like a queen and is devilishly handsome.

Jen--- I’m in my 3^rd year serving on the Governing Board for our school district.  I volunteer weekly in Nathan’s classroom doing private tutoring.  I love serving in Relief Society and am so thankful for the great organization for women.  I am anxious to go back to school and will start next year.  Jason is thrilled that maybe one day I’ll earn a paycheck for my work rather than volunteering all my hours away.  I spend my free time decorating the new home, exercising, reading, being a taxi for the kids, I enjoy writing about random things on my blog, spending time with friends and family, and I still like naps. 

Brynna--- Freshman, teenager, world revolves around her, etc.  Actually, she is a great kid.  She loves high school, get’s straight A’s, and is extremely involved.  She cheers for all sports, is involved in student council, loves dance, and goes to Seminary to study scriptures every morning at 5:30 a.m.  She has a rotating schedule of 3 boys she crushes on.  She enjoys reading, being with friends, going to church dances, checking her hair every 10 minutes, playing piano, singing, and getting embarrassed by her dad.  She is the peacemaker of our home.  She is a great example to all around her. 

Nathan--- Currently in the 5^th grade and is unstoppable.  Nathan is involved in Boy Scouts and is moving right along passing requirements and earning merit badges.  He continues to play basketball, annoy his sister, play the piano and is a big helper around the home.  He jumps on the trampoline daily and is mastering his back flips.  Nathan is our charmer and loves to make others laugh.  He was asked to emcee a talent show at school in the coming month.  He’s been working on his stand-up comedy act for the event.  It could be brilliant or a disaster, time will tell.  We are thankful for his light-heartedness and his ability to offer so much love.

Hoping all my readers had a very Merry Christmas.

Great Minds Think Alike

It's Saturday.  Usually I'm out and about or have something to plan for.  I got nothin'.  That's not good for me.  Sure, there's a ton of things I could/should be doing, but I'm not motivated and so boredom stepped in.  Don't ever combine boredom with the internet. It takes you on hour long tours that seem only minutes long to cheap thrills. MY kind of cheap thrills. It's comforting knowing other minds operate like mine...off the beaten path. Now I'm in front of my computer in tears...busting a gut (I'm certain it's more humorous because I've been cooped up all day and starting to have tics). Many times while I'm out and about I'll see posters/signs/pictures that catch my eye that I so badly would love to add a sarcastic comment to.    Back in the high school glory days, it was an activity on a weekend for me and a few friends...now I'm living vicariously through others:

Seriously, who's going to come save me from myself? I need to get out.  I also need a negotiator to talk me out of the can of spray paint in my hand.

We Love Ugly

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It is a phenomenon.  Who spends money on hideous sweaters that remind us of our youth in the 80's?  We do... along with many others.  Instead of being the kids who dreaded going to school because of ridicule due to mothers making us wear ugly clothes, now we do it for cheap thrills and embrace being pointed at and a laughing stalk, kinda like reverse psychology in bullying.  It's a sick ironic joke.  But, it's funny.
We even were sick enough to go a step further...thrift store only buys for gifts. If you're ever looking for a great date night activity, go to a thrift store.  First, it is completely comical/puzzling what is on the shelves.  Who donates half burned candles? There had to be at least a dozen of them on the shelf.  And we're not talking Yankee or Gold Canyon, these were the ones you buy at Michael's for $1.  Total random things such as this cracked us up.  Others such as homemade gifts, old trophies, college degrees, and hand painted portraits made us leave with permanent smiles for the evening.Second, being at the thrift store brought back great memories.  I'd find something there that our family had when I was young and a wave of memories came flowing back. Between the two of us, Jason and I learned more about each other.  Between the humor and memories, it's therapy.  
We did a dice game for the gifts which were wrapped so no one knew what was inside.  It's interesting to see what people will fight for without even having a clue what they're fighting for.  Some of the memorable mention of gifts were:
Pottery Maker (yes, like the one on Ghost)Old Fashioned Hair DryerTelevision Set (Still Worked)T.V. Table TraysMalt MakerDubai ManFramed PicturesDancing BabyMany Faces of Santa CandleSlush MakerBooksCardsDying Singing Christmas TreeFrying PanNun DollBath SaltsBasket full of Chocolateand I know I'm missing lots of others.
Our ugly guests:

Ugly AND homemade!!  Lovely red sweater vests with lettering to spell 'Merry Christmas' but ONLY if they were together and positioned correctly.

Yes, she has four children so it's only fitting that she'd wear a sweater any mom would be proud of.  And for him, it may look plain but up close it's hard to miss the DOLE pineapple.  Deliciously sweet.

Glitter, hot pink, and birds...her kids liked it and I'm positive so do some ladies in Sun City.

He got the wrong memo.  It was a sweater, not a rug party.

These 'would be' plain sweaters were brought to life with a little careful measuring (his sweater especially) and talent with a glue gun.

Apparently did not need any reverse bullying psychology.

Grandma, the cougar. 

Burned to ashes, his sweater was recyclable.

She in her silky vest complete with turtleneck and he in his U2 pose complete with a scarf solely in Spanish, make great potential Old Navy models.

  We started the evening with conversation of how now horses can be slaughtered in the U.S.  Ponies are great ice breakers.  And he is out to prove that women's sweaters are not just meant for women.

Matching turtlenecks.  Adorable.  In a struggle with other customers in thrift stores, she finally had to settle for a Walmart vest.  His deer and 'to grandmother's house we go' helped him pull in a win for male best and earned him the Poverty Sucks plaque (which oddly enough we purchased at Goodwill).

Not yet a mom, but getting a taste of one with these special Christmas geese, and he in what was thought as his mother's sweater...literally.  

We  <3 moms.

Us in our Dumb and Dumber/ Christmas Vacation look.  
My big prize for the night?  The nun.  I wanted the malt maker or at least the T.V. tables.  Which later it dawned on me, why was I hoping for ANY of it?? While moving I got rid of so much junk and I didn't need to be gathering up more. 

Now that it's over, I've been relaxing and drinking lots of left over cocoa.  While I was sitting on my couch tonight, I gazed at my tree.  And then what to my wondering eyes appear... someone had a sense of humor and decided to hang the nun as my Christmas angel on the top of the tree.   

She's staying as a conversation piece.