One of my dear friends, Tonya, read my previous post about Brynna and had asked if I'd be willing to help her with a section of her church Christmas program she was in charge of. She was reciting 'The Living Christ' and was going to discuss in greater depth the paragraphs within it. She had asked if I would be willing to type up and share my experience with Brynna and how miracles are still present today just as they were back in the time of Jesus Christ. I accepted and went to work finding old journals I had written during Brynna's first few months of life.
I have to admit, I wasn't real excited about the task mostly because when I begin to read or think back to those experiences I am left emotionally drained. Re-living those experiences are both painful and joyful. This time was no different, yet I still had an epiphany in the process that left me extremely grateful for being asked and accepting the responsibility to fulfill this for Tonya.
As I read the journal from 15 years ago, I read the thoughts of a scared, naive, hopeful, and very young woman trying to make sense of a significant trial in her life. There were several times I even questioned if it had been me who had written it. Who was this person? I hardly recognized her and almost felt as if I was invading someone else's privacy of their deepest most inner thoughts. As I read on and memories began to flood my mind, for once I became extremely grateful I was aging. With time gone by, I have gained wisdom and a perspective that led me to write in an entirely new point of view 15 years later. If you've ever written in a journal years ago about a specific experience where emotions were high, I'm telling you to get it out and re-write about it. It is an amazing and almost sacred and self-discovering experience.
Here is my extremely condensed version of my 15 year later journal entry in how miracles are present today through Jesus Christ:
Brynna came to us
at 25 weeks only weighing 1 pound 12 ounces.
From day one, her life was a battle.
It seemed unfair to me that a small helpless baby had to endure such a
consistent uphill journey all on her own.
Meanwhile, as her mother, I felt it was unfair that I was completely
helpless to aide in her fight while I could only send positive thoughts through
a plastic incubator and hope somehow she could feel my love and support.
Even though during this trial we lived in great times of medical
advancement, on numerous occasions I remembered wishing we didn’t. Of all
generations of time, I desperately wanted to live in the Savior’s time. I wanted to be the mother searching for Jesus
Christ on the dusty roads and upon finding him, begging through tears for Him
to come heal my child. Somehow knowing
if I’d find Him, He would have mercy on me and come to her, and all would be
well.
As I tried to patiently endure this trial, slowly over time my eyes
became opened. I realized how the
scriptures of old became my scriptures of today. As a desperate mother, I searched. Not on dusty roads of a foreign land, but I
searched while my knees were knelt in dust on my living room floor.
Through prayer, I did find Him. It
was exactly how I envisioned it in my mind as if I had found Him amongst His
apostles. I literally felt Him acknowledge me, felt His love and compassion for
me and give me the confirmation that all would be well.
When I went back to the hospital that night, the Savior
didn’t accompany me. But as I witnessed Priesthood holders in their suits and
ties with hands placed upon Brynna’s head as she received a blessing, I knew
the healing powers of the Savior were in that room and He indeed was there. Miracles were performed, and today I have a strong-willed healthy 15 year old as walking proof.
I’m grateful no matter how small we are, how helpless we may
feel, or how hard our fight may be; we are never alone. We don’t have to see
Jesus Christ to know He is there. We know He walked the roads of Palestine,
healing the sick, causing the blind to see, as He taught truths of
eternity. These healings and truths and
miracles are eternal, which means they continue. Miracles happen in our day, and will happen
in days to come because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. As we go in search of Him, we don’t have to
search far, only through our hearts and on our knees.
