My Personal Cape Fear

Behold: Peace and tranquility.  Seriously, what could go wrong here?  You know those people wherever they go, luck follows? I'm like them, except with bizarre craziness...it always finds me, even in my sleep I can't escape.

We spent our summer family vacation this year on the East Coast at Nags Head, North Carolina and nearly missed hurricane Arthur by a week.  Jason's parents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary, so the family got together and rented a beach house for 19 family members who were able to attend.  So, as you can imagine, the house was always buzzing, but with 4 levels and outdoor decks the chaos wasn't too out of control.

At night, there were bodies everywhere.  Cousins camping out on floors together, spouses in bedrooms throughout the house.  Jason and I slept in a bedroom on the base level and due to our internal clocks being on Pacific time zone, were usually the last to go to sleep so we always heard the house go quiet each night. 

Rewinding several years:  Nathan used to sleepwalk quite often.  It was always unnerving when I'd wake up in the middle of the night with a boy standing over me next to my bed.  It was like a horror movie and I never got used to it.  Once I got my wits about me, I'd gently guide him back upstairs. Those few months were some of the worst nights sleep because even if he didn't enter the room in the night, I'd dream about it because I was paranoid it was going to happen.  So, when the door opened around 2 a.m. and lights flashed on in the beach house bedroom, I had almost become accustomed to thinking we had a sleepwalker entering.  I asked Jason who it was, he said, "I think it was Dominique (my niece)."  "What did she want?"  "I don't know, maybe she was looking for the boys in the next room."  

I kept hearing movement up and down the stairs, but drifted back to sleep.   Later the lights flashed on again with the door open and someone standing in our bedroom.  I gave Jason a push to nudge him out of bed to take care of it.  Next coherent thing I remember was his voice raised, "Who are you??!"  I can tell you, my adrenaline has never pumped so hard than when I realized we not only had an intruder in the house, but that an intruder was in my bedroom. 

In Jason's defense, she did look like our niece had our niece been 45 years old with Botox and extensive face lifts.  Here was a woman standing in a itty bitty pink nightie and barefoot arguing with Jason stating this was her house and she was looking for her husband who was upstairs. This is how opposite my husband and I are;  Jason was trying to listen and rationally explain why this wasn't her house while I was in defensive protective mode without a shred of care for this woman and barked orders to Jason to "get her out of the house!" 

After he gently forced her through the door and she finally gave up the fight and walked away is when my compassionate side kicked in.  I realized, we just shoved a lady in her nightie and barefoot out the door in the middle of the night to face who knows what. Then I started second guessing myself- should I have helped her rather than be so callous?  Jason decided to call the police and they went in search for her to ensure she got where she needed to be. Turns out, she was the neighbor.  :-/  Needless to say, she didn't make an appearance at night or in the daytime the rest of the days we were there.  Upon talking to our family the next day, it was almost comical of many, being in a sleepy state the prior night, all thought it was one of the kids who came in and flipped on lights in their bedrooms.  We're so happy this woman didn't come face to face with one of the kids, yet how scary that so many slept through or didn't let it cross their mind that a stranger was in the house.  My brother-in-law carries his gun and we talked of how horribly the incident could have ended.

This woman wasn't drunk, but was almost in a drunken sleepwalk stage.  One word:  Ambien.  I've seen some of the crazy videos on youtube of Ambien users, but had yet to experience one in real life.  I read some of the side effects under 'less severe':  "Loss of ones sense of reality or identity" and "Hallucinations."  If these are low on the severity list then what's severe?  Dying? Being shot? Embarrassed for all of time? Reading the list  was enough for me to stick with the old fashioned way of counting sheep.  Unless of course I'm feeling gutsy- then instead of a Tupperware party, I'm game for an Ambien party.

How many of you have or know someone taking Ambien?  Is this rare? Bizarre stories? Anyone? 

Failure: A Pathway to Success

A few months ago I had an article posted on Heidi Powell's blog.  It was a great honor to hear positive feedback from those who struggle with this same issue.  I realize I never posted it on my own blog and wanted to do so for those who aren't connected to me via Facebook. Therefore, EVERYONE can have an opportunity to read about my inner insecurities.  Enjoy.

I’ve had a problem since my youth. I peeked at my Christmas presents because I wanted to prepare myself to be excited or disappointed. I skipped ahead in books so I could rest easy knowing whether someone lived or died. I let many relationships go because I didn’t want to end up hurt. Flying makes me uneasy because I don’t know what state the pilot or mechanics are in. I wish I could say it ends there but no, I’m Jen, and I am a classic control freak. I’m realizing through time and experience the negative effects from it and have found an emotion that has fueled this characteristic, and that is fear.

I recently started a new job, which I was excited and eager about. But once I met my counterpart (who was much more qualified), my weakness of wanting to be in control of a situation quickly stepped in to ‘save’ me. It would be easier for my ego to make the decision to quit rather than be defeated. At least I could say I controlled the outcome on my terms, rather than letting the outcome control me. No harm done…which is a lie.

Lately, I’m aware of the same characteristic in my son and I’m getting a glimpse from the outside-in of the paralyzing effects it has and the potential joyful opportunities he’s missing due to it. His piano teacher would share concern that when a new piano piece was placed in front of him, he would refuse to play it out of fear of not getting it right. I watch him at baseball games letting ball after ball go past him without a swing, later to find out he was afraid of swinging and missing, allowing the pitcher to determine his fate. He’s competitive but will pretend not to care about winning and jokes at events in the off chance he loses, and therefore refuses to put his whole heart into it.

We are like two hurdlers in a race who, rather than focus on the finish line, we focus on the hurdle and let the fear of missing the jump block us from successfully completing the race.

A life changing moment happened for me while attending a business seminar where the presenter posed the question, “What is the opposite of success?” Most, including me, answered with a resounding, “Failure.” We were quickly corrected. The answer has changed my way of thinking. In our society, we automatically link success and failure as black and white, when in reality, the opposite of success is quitting. As our goals are measured by success and we fall short, is all the work done in the process suddenly insignificant and non-beneficial to learning? Of course not. Failures are our teachers if we allow them to be. We may fail in our attempts, but success is often achieved through failures.

My name is Jen. I’m 38 years old and I’m on a quest to becoming my best. I am tired of not finishing the race because I didn’t design the track. My first step is taking my need for control and controlling how I think; knowing that what I believe is what I will become. I know I may stumble on the way, but I need to trust that the hurdles are there to strengthen me, to give more endurance, to make the finish that much more sweet. I remind myself each day that as long as I don’t give up, the equation works and I will eventually cross the finish line and achieve my goals.

We often hear that failure is not an option, but I’m finding it’s a necessity to many successes and joys in life. Quitting is not an option.