Offensive Rant #52586

I have a million things to get done, but I have to pull myself away...I can be silent no more.
You know when you're in your youth and you hear the older generation complain of things that seem of no big significance?  Well guess what?  I'm becoming that older generation and my complaints are of huge significance.  And the sad part of this is these individuals I complain of ARE of my generation.
My newest annoyance:  fellow movie-goers, fellow stadium ballgame spectators, and general events where you have someone either sitting in front, behind, or beside you. All of the scenarios listed below have all happened within the last few months.  I'm amazed I leave my house anymore.
1.  BE A BUBBLE BOY.

I went to a movie with my mother.  Honestly, I counted maybe ten or so in the theater, tops.  We had our prime middle section with no one in the entire row but us.  Enter stage right... random loner creeper takes to the stairs turning to our row.  OK, maybe he'll sit just a few chairs down..no big deal.  Walks right up next to me and proceeds to sit.  Most uncomfortable 2 hours I've had in a long time.My muscles ached after from being so stiff and tense that I had to wear a Therma Care  patch the next day.  I didn't know if I was going to get my hand held or my throat slit.  I don't care if you're a people person,  common courtesy is giving at least a one seat buffer if the theater is semi full.  If it's mostly empty, 2 seat buffer is preferable.  
2.  DON'T LET YOUR FOOD BE PART OF MY SURROUND SOUND.

Smackers and loud eaters are probably on the top of my list of pet peeves along with loud food packaging.  So much so that if I was ever captured by the enemy and tortured by smackers and wrappers , I'd spill my guts.Popcorn eaters can be bad enough, but I can usually tune it out.  The game changes if you decide to bring in a large, crinkly giant BAG of Doritos.  You just made me a health risk to the establishment because you just raised my blood pressure and ruined my ability to focus on my overly priced movie I just paid for. So, if you must stop at 7-11 to buy your unhealthy couch potato feast,  unwrap your food quickly rather than consistently and put the food in the mouth, close then chew.
3.  IF I WANTED A COMMENTATOR, I WOULD'VE BROUGHT MY SON.

I don't mind occasional talking here and there.  I do it too, but when I do its rarely and quietly.  My last movie I attended I could have sworn I was sitting next to a southern black baptist woman at church hearing the best sermon of her life.  Almost every line in the movie, there was either a 'hhmmm, mmmmm' or 'that ain't good', 'heaven help her', 'oh my Lord, he's gonna get his,' 'Lord, have mercy,' etc.  It was if every thought in the brain came out the mouth.  It happened so often it became difficult to decipher what lines were in the movie and what was spoken by the commentator.  So please, remember the filter and hold all comments and questions until the end.
4.  I DON'T WANT TO IMAGINE WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE WITH YOUR CLOTHES OFF.

Recently at a baseball game, Jason and I had the pleasure of hearing about a bet between a couple in which each other would show their genitals and nakedness as the reward for the winner.  It was ALL they talked about.  I submit this because it was inappropriate, I didn't want to look at them because then of course, all I could do was picture them naked, and it gave my husband ideas.
5.  LOBBIES HAVE A PURPOSE.

Old people are cute, unless they can't figure out a phone.  Somehow during our movie an older woman's iPhone started playing her playlist.  Sure, it was funny...for 10 seconds.  After Prince's 'You've got the Look' played in it's entirety she finally gave up and just sat on it.  I would hear muffles of other songs come and go throughout the movie.  Either learn to use a phone, or exit the theater pronto to the lobby and have a younger employee help you out.  
6.  IF YOU'RE NOT AT A ROCK CONCERT THEN SHUT UP.

Recently I went to Brynna's high school dance concert where the audience was repeatedly told to remain quiet during the performance.  I listened to so much hootin' and hollering and vulgarity I finally turned around and told them to shut their mouths.  They tried to ignore me and I pulled the whole mom card of 'look at me when I'm speaking to you. Shut. your. mouth. Or I will have you removed.'  I didn't hear a peep for the 15 remainder minutes.  I should've spoke sooner, but I shouldn't have had to speak at all.  I was appalled that I had to become the concert downer jerk.  First, if I would have ever acted like that I would've been slapped and second, if I ever had an individual turn around and talk to me how I did to them (even before I got hard nosed)  I would have been so embarrassed and maybe even peed my pants.  Parents, teach your kids respect.
6.  THIS IS NOT YOUR LIVING ROOM.

Enough said.  A pair of nasty feet by your face for 2 hours?  It's called pick up a rental at Redbox and let your family smell your feet.  It's pretty sad when even Walmart has higher expectations where footwear is concerned.  If you're in a public place, act like it.
What did I miss?  I'm sure I'll slowly be adding to this list since I somehow have been cursed with a string of bad luck.
Anyone up for a movie with me?  You only need to pass a small screening process.

Life: It's The Little Things...Like Sweet Revenge

I had several inquiries regarding my latest Facebook post.  Worse, is that I think many didn't understand it is, in fact, a joke and now feel my kid's school principal is off her rocker. While that may be the case, it's not because of this (me).

Some people enjoy antique cars, collecting butterflies, or sewing as hobbies to bring happiness to their lives.  My hobby is pranks.  Pranks make me happy.  Something about plotting late at night keeps my mind in pristine condition.  As a side note, you should feel quite honored if I ever pull one over on you, because I do take time and effort in doing so.

I was at an awards ceremony a couple weeks ago.  Ms. Honne came to me saying she wanted to relay a story about Nathan.  Usually these don't end well, but she assured me it was funny.

A few weeks ago, Nathan's class won the McTeacher night challenge of being the class with the largest amount of students from one class to attend McDonald's for a school fundraiser.  As a reward, the class gets to throw pies at either the Principal or Assistant Principal.  Ms. Honne entered the class and was coaxing the children to throw pies at her counter part.  Nathan told her he had full intention of throwing a pie at her.  She then threatened him with an infraction.  And Nathan, being a chip off the ol' block, doesn't back down from a challenge and therefore threatened her right back by affirming, "My mom can fire you!"

As she's telling me this and others were around, I was mortified.  Sure, he's witty, and meant to be funny,but it struck a nerve.  As a board member we cannot simply fire anyone we want.  In fact, the Superintendent is the only employee whom we can, and even then it has to be by a majority vote.  I was embarrassed because there are board members (no matter where you go) that feel it is quite appropriate to threaten staff.  Especially at my kids' schools, I want staff to see and know me as 'Mom' and not 'board member'.  I'm extremely sensitive to it and don't ever want others to feel I am looking over their shoulders. I'm the same person I was 4 years ago, being a board member doesn't change my personality or my values.
Before I was made aware of this situation I had found it odd that one particular day while volunteering in the classroom I had multiple questions from students regarding if I was the principal's boss.  It all finally clicked.

The next day, I had to have a sit down strict talk and rehearse to Nathan my role and I did so complete with diagrams.  He seemed a bit bummed.  I also found out Ms. Honne felt bad about getting Nathan in trouble, so she found him and apologized.

In relating the scenario to the teacher, she made me aware she knew all about it and to not take it so personally.  She informed me Ms. Honne never meant for me to feel bad, get Nathan in trouble and is one of the most sarcastic people I'd ever meet who loves to also prank people.  Whaaa?  I would've never guessed...she seems so serious, and apparently some feel the same regarding me.  I found out there are people scared of me.  I know, right?  I'm the single most nicest and hilarious person you'd ever meet!   So, I decided to let my hair down and show my true self.

As I left the school that day, I decided to ask the front secretary for a piece of paper so I could write Ms. Honne a note.  It went like this:

Ms. Honne,

I saw that nasty look you gave me when I walked in the cafeteria today.  Just know I have my eye on you and that I CAN fire you.

With Love,
Jen Tanner

As I beamed with pride leaving and walking out to the parking lot, it suddenly crossed my mind I had just left a threatening letter IN WRITING.  Idiot!! I didn't think that one through. I knew I was doomed for sure.

I heard nothing for days, and then opened my mail yesterday to receive this letter:

   I have to give her kudos, for a brief second I took it seriously.  She one upped me!!!
Well played Ms. Honne, well played.
So, with every great prank, comes the next step.  My next step is a restraining order:

Now I'm waiting to talk to (bribe) my neighbor cop to have him show up to deliver it. This makes me happy.  This is what life's all about.

So, who's next?